As many teenage nerds, overzealous activists, and hooker-killing aficionados are aware, the video game Grand Theft Auto 4 was released this week. And while politicians are pretend-outraged by all of this, Emerson Brooking explains why this game can be good for the little ones:

To some, the ultraviolent, ‘do anything’ Grand Theft Auto series is a veritable “murder simulator,” corrupting the youth of tomorrow and causing irrevocable damage to the fabric of society. To others, GTA is just another teaching tool, really no different from an eraser or piece of chalk. We at the Pennsylvania Punchbowl trend toward the latter school of thought. After many minutes of exhaustive research, we have formed a list of compelling reasons for why children—especially those under 10—should play GTA.

Fosters good decision making – In the world of GTA, children will often be confronted with tough choices. When rampaging through the local shopping center, should they use the chainsaw or the katana? When embarking on a crusade to rule the streets, should they call their low-income army a “gang” or a “crew?” After soliciting a hooker’s services, should they let her leave peacefully or run her down for an impromptu refund? GTA prepares them for the important decisions they’ll eventually make in the real world, such as whether they should let the hooker leave peacefully or run her down for an impromptu refund.

Teaches important life skills – GTA prominently features cars and guns. Coincidentally, cars and guns are two of society’s biggest killers. Today’s children show an appalling lack of familiarity with both firearm and driver safety. The way to fix this problem is obvious: force every child under 10 to play GTA. Does Little Jimmy not know a Glock from an AK? Hook him up with an old fashioned game of Shoot As Many Pedestrians As You Can and he’ll gain the proficiency of a small arms trader in no time. Similarly, Suzie may only be in 2nd grade, but that shouldn’t exempt her from experiencing the joys of driving. She’ll learn the tips of the trade in no time, like the three best ways to avoid police spike strips, and that vehicular manslaughter really isn’t that bad—it just comes with the territory.

Cultivates requisite social stereotypes – GTA is like a concentrated insulin shot, only the insulin is racism and diabetes is not being a racist. In GTA, Mexicans have incomprehensible accents and steal American jobs, homosexuals wear short-shorts and act like The Village People, and Italians are well off, white collar professionals whose entire culture is involved in organized crime. Did a GTA-playing child just tease a black classmate about the civil rights movement, or stop taking Asian-Americans seriously as a race of people? Good. The sooner children learn these requisite social stereotypes, the sooner they can become happy, equally bigoted members of society.

Engenders good moral character – It’s extremely difficult to form good character in today’s morally corrupt world. In its own way, GTA is like the Sunday school of the 21st century. Players—particularly children—benefit from the ethical dilemmas the game has a tendency for creating. Let’s say a child’s avatar is doing some drug running for a minor gang boss when he feels the sudden compulsion to forget the mission, hire a hooker, and shoot a police officer in the face. Does he follow through on his whim, or does he see the narcotics delivery through to the end? This is a defining moment. If the child overcomes temptation, he is a Good person, mindful of his duty and destined for a happy life. If, however, he shoots the police officer, he fails the mission and must spend an annoying couple of minutes reloading his game. Ultimately, the resemblance to real life is uncanny.

While we at the Pennsylvania Punchbowl regret any offense or ill will caused by the release of this study, we must stand by the results of our research. And thus to our most vocal detractors: yes, yes, no, not until 2015, and fine, we think you’re assholes too.